Below is the twentieth in a series of blog posts created by those caring for children with a parent in prison. The series aims to shine a light on the harms experienced by children and families when a parent goes to prison, and highlight the benefits that providing good support can bring.
When people imagine retirement, they often picture peace and quiet. Time to rest after years working hard and supporting family, that was what my husband and I imagined too. Instead, we became full-time carers for our granddaughter, Rose. When I look back now, I can say caring for Rose has changed every part of our lives.
Rose came to live with us when she was very young. Her biological father has never really been involved in her life. Rose’s mum, my adopted daughter has struggled with her complex mental health for years. My husband, Rose and I became our own small family unit. As grandparents raising grandchildren, you question whether you are doing any of it right. You try to balance love and stability with fear and exhaustion. It’s such a big responsibility.
Rose is autistic, she is incredibly bright, affectionate, and emotionally far older than a child should ever need to be. Autism already makes the world feel overwhelming for her at times. I feel children affected by trauma often grow up too quickly. People regularly comment on how well Rose talks to adults, but friendships with children her own age have always been more of a struggle for her.
One of the most difficult periods in our lives came when Rose’s stepdad went to prison. We had no idea until we were informed by social services three days later. At the time, Rose was only five years old, and I remember sitting there wondering how you explain something so huge to a child. I ended up telling her, “Daddy hurt somebody so badly that he’s been put in prison,” I didn’t feel she needed the graphic details. We initially stopped Rose’s contact with him as we believed we were protecting her from further trauma, this decision led to an enormous sense of grief. Rose would come home from school overwhelmed with emotion, screaming, raging and breaking things because the feelings she had were too big for her to manage.
After years of fostering experience, I gained a lot of knowledge about attachment and trauma. A child who has experienced trauma needs safety, and that’s what we did for Rose, we provided safety. We provided a calm environment around her. We would let her cry if she needed to cry, if she needed comfort then we comforted her. We allowed her to watch baby programmes because this seems to help her feel safe again and like a child.
During lockdown Rose expressed missing “Daddy” and talked about wanting contact again. We started to let Rose have video calls with him to slowly reconnect and without the overwhelming environment of having to visit a prison. Later, we went to visit Rose’s stepdad in an open prison which felt much less traumatic.
When we experienced Rose’s stepdad going to prison, we assumed we would get support, I think that is what most people often assume. They feel support will appear around families like ours, but that was not our experience. Social services didn’t show much interest, school tried to help but lacked the understanding needed to support children affected by parental imprisonment and trauma. We felt left trying to navigate incredibly complex emotional situations with very little guidance. That’s when Children Heard and Seen came along, they have been the one organisation that consistently supported us. Rose got to meet other children like her who had a parent in prison, which I feel helped her feel less alone.
This journey has been a difficult one, it affected us financially, mentally and physically. At times, I have felt completely broken. But despite everything there has still been joy. I now look at our lives differently and no longer grieve for the retirement I thought we were going to have. We get to watch Rose grow which is such a great privilege. She is thoughtful, funny, loving and confident.
My hope is that families like ours are given more support more and recognition. My advice to other grandparents in similar situations would simply be to stay calm where you can, learn about attachment and trauma, and remember that children communicate their pain through behaviour.
Most importantly, hold onto hope.